Wine Talk with Amber

Kiss my scars and tell me you love them. Lay with me in silence watching the nights sky, Hold me. Draw your attention to me and feel my warmth. As we lay, The sound bite of your voice replays in my head, “You’re so pretty”. But I need you to show me that you’re not like the rest. Baby, I’ve been so neglected, It’s hard to completely let go of the worry, & the feeling of being let down. Shower me in love and protection. And never let me go. Bring me flowers, & tell me how much you’ve missed me. Don’t hold back on your love, I’ll accept it all. Make me giggle so hard that the wine burns my nostrils. Let me listen to the sounds of your heartbeat, And become one with you. When I see you, My eyes light up like Christmas trees in December, & I can’t help but blush. Your sandalwood & citrus scent cause me to melt, As you wrap those strong, chestnut arms around me. But more than the physical attraction, Your presence feels so warm . Like a buttery biscuit, I want to taste. Hold...

  Even in a time of such uncertainty between us, you showed up for me. I didn’t even think you would come, And there you were, standing there. My eyes lit up with excitement when I saw your face. Those butterflies in my stomach started to churn.  I wish you could have stayed longer. I begged. Normally you would give in, But this time you did not. We had spinach empanadas with a side of great laughter.  Sweet touches accompanied by an ocean view. & remember how the waves of the beach almost took us out- ha! Even without you being mine, we built another experience together. 1 day. 24 hours. 1,440 minutes. 86,400 seconds. With you. And I am grateful. That day I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t stay. But today I do. 

 I am truly in love with you.   I love you enough to know that I’m not ready for you, I’ve caused you so much damage and for that I’m truly sorry. I’m in a weird spot with my feelings for you because on one hand, I KNOW you are the love of my life and I want nothing more than eternal bliss with you.  On the other hand, I’ve caused you so much pain and have done things that have damaged your perception of me that I know for a fact I’m not ready to change. There are just certain things and people in my life that I absolutely am not ready to let go of. And because of that, I can’t be with you.  But don’t for a second confuse that with me picking them over you. It’s merely a personal development hurdle that, if I’m being honest, is not something that I’ve been able to get over. You and I both know what I’m referring to.  I’ve tried time and time again to let it go. I’m not going to make excuses. You always said that I lacked accountability. When really, I am account...

  The masterpiece of you was created so perfectly… Your warm palette touched the souls of your loved ones. With every brush stroke created of you was a touch of humor that was irresistible. Oh how you’ll be missed. As we mourn with sadness that we can no longer see your physical presence, The mural of your memories will forever be hung on our walls, Bringing us a sense of comfort.  We know that you will be with us through the toughest of times. And when things seem unbearable,  We’ll think about the days that you made us laugh until our stomach’s hurt. Oh how you’ll be missed.

  The sky’s the limit is what they say- right? But I never imagined to reach these heights like this. I had come prepared to encounter the length of our flight with a carry-on of compassion. My luggage of love was packed. The window seat view to the seas of despair and the mountains of heartbreak surely wouldn’t stop us. The elevation of us would surpass it all. I knew that the turbulence of our love would be rough but we would make it through. You know… that cruise control button we so desperately yearned for would be pressed eventually. And the love would be easy. We would be sitting in first class enjoying the views of the of the sensual sunset. Drinking crisp champagne mixed with tender touches of celebration. The plush seats of my comfort within you would soon recline. The rise of my desire for you would be inevitable. And me for you. I could feel the anticipation screaming inside of me to reach the highest sights. What a feeling. Sadly, this is exactly that. A feeling. My lug...

So eloquently, you make me move. Each and every time, I fall. Caught in your web of lies. Deception. You’ve mastered the art of your subliminal manipulation. And even after I carefully analyze the screams inside my head, Telling me it’s just a trap, I still can’t help myself. Almost in a sense that I crave it. What’s the meaning of toxic? You and me. Everything about you is dangerous. Yet I retreat in you. I keep replaying the damage thus far between us in my head. Knowing what’s next to come. But, your spell draws me back in each time. Remember when you told me, that you two wouldn’t last? And you gave me the idea that we could try again. How could I have fluffed those pillows and lie back in your bed of deceit… Yet again. Now, I could make it seem like it was all on you. But here’s the part where I take accountability. Because, even in those sweet lies that you tell… I still know  you . Deeper than the visuals. And you’re a game I’m so desperately waiting to play. Because you see...

  What is there left to empathize when I’ve given you every part of me. I’ve given you every part of my existence. The happiness. The sorrow. The deepest parts of my death lie within you. I’ve given it all up. Empathy. Why should I be empathic to you? You’ve got it all. I can’t believe I let you have everything that comes with me. You see, you broke down barriers that I’ve worked so hard to build. I never wanted you to see me at my most vulnerable. I’ve shown you parts of me that even I didn’t want to see. My truth. My sexual depth. My traumas. And triggers. I’ve shown you who I am when I’m at my weakest. And when I’ve been at my highest. I’ve taken everything you’ve given me. And treated it like a rare feather. With care. And tenderness. Because I know what it’s like for someone to not know who you are. And even my purest intentions can be misconstrued. Damn. That hurt. I can’t lie. But you know what? Maybe you’re right. I don’t have empathy. Because where’s my empathy when someon...