Wine Talk with Amber

I decided to take a dip in the pool, only to find out ALL these n***as are just like you. You see, It wasn’t about the shiny things  or the places you could take me, I just wanted you to date me, exclusively. When I ask why you don’t take me seriously, You get all reclusive and talk about how it used to be. Why is it that I’m begging you to show me some emotion, That’s something you’re not exposed to. But when I go out and do my own thing with other guys, You then realize, That you ain’t ready to lose me. Keep me just within arms reach, But far enough so I don’t get too attached. You rather go be with her, her, & her, as if the love between us can be matched. I’m so f*ckin tired of this merry-go-round you got me living in. The emotional roller coaster is too much to bear, So I rather just go sit in it. That pool with them other n**gas. Because at least with them, I ain’t gotta pretend, to be heartless, Or to let my soul spark shit, that’s never going nowhere.

— When was the last time I’ve cleaned out my closet? Not the one where my graphic tees and sweats lie. The one where my broken friendships haven’t been removed. And my unhealed family traumas haven’t been folded. I’m trying to make space for new connections, And I haven’t even decluttered the dresser to my ex’s mistreatment. Even a bit scared to open the bins to self awareness. Because then, I’ll actually have to face my misconduct. So I keep the door shut, And hope you’ll accept my mess.

Hey you, With your fine ass. You know I always compliment your skin, And how perfect you are, In the physical. But let me take this moment to show you some appreciation. When we first started out, I didn’t want more than an emotionally unavailable connection with you. But even you wouldn’t let it be just that. In a time where I was hurting, you gave me space. You even told me you recognize that I am going through my healing phase. Now, you could be just that damn toxic, but you’ve always handled me with care. Even when you confuse me with your actions. You see, it’s the little things you do for me that keep me invested. Like having a positive response to every defeat I have inside my own head. Showing me a new way to live and to be healthy. Pushing me to excerise and take care of my body. I was so mad at you for pushing me to my limit this one particular day, But I couldn’t even address it because I knew it was all for my improvement. Even when you don’t say anything, You build me up. ...

 I am truly in love with you.   I love you enough to know that I’m not ready for you, I’ve caused you so much damage and for that I’m truly sorry. I’m in a weird spot with my feelings for you because on one hand, I KNOW you are the love of my life and I want nothing more than eternal bliss with you.  On the other hand, I’ve caused you so much pain and have done things that have damaged your perception of me that I know for a fact I’m not ready to change. There are just certain things and people in my life that I absolutely am not ready to let go of. And because of that, I can’t be with you.  But don’t for a second confuse that with me picking them over you. It’s merely a personal development hurdle that, if I’m being honest, is not something that I’ve been able to get over. You and I both know what I’m referring to.  I’ve tried time and time again to let it go. I’m not going to make excuses. You always said that I lacked accountability. When really, I am account...

  The masterpiece of you was created so perfectly… Your warm palette touched the souls of your loved ones. With every brush stroke created of you was a touch of humor that was irresistible. Oh how you’ll be missed. As we mourn with sadness that we can no longer see your physical presence, The mural of your memories will forever be hung on our walls, Bringing us a sense of comfort.  We know that you will be with us through the toughest of times. And when things seem unbearable,  We’ll think about the days that you made us laugh until our stomach’s hurt. Oh how you’ll be missed.

  The sky’s the limit is what they say- right? But I never imagined to reach these heights like this. I had come prepared to encounter the length of our flight with a carry-on of compassion. My luggage of love was packed. The window seat view to the seas of despair and the mountains of heartbreak surely wouldn’t stop us. The elevation of us would surpass it all. I knew that the turbulence of our love would be rough but we would make it through. You know… that cruise control button we so desperately yearned for would be pressed eventually. And the love would be easy. We would be sitting in first class enjoying the views of the of the sensual sunset. Drinking crisp champagne mixed with tender touches of celebration. The plush seats of my comfort within you would soon recline. The rise of my desire for you would be inevitable. And me for you. I could feel the anticipation screaming inside of me to reach the highest sights. What a feeling. Sadly, this is exactly that. A feeling. My lug...

  What is there left to empathize when I’ve given you every part of me. I’ve given you every part of my existence. The happiness. The sorrow. The deepest parts of my death lie within you. I’ve given it all up. Empathy. Why should I be empathic to you? You’ve got it all. I can’t believe I let you have everything that comes with me. You see, you broke down barriers that I’ve worked so hard to build. I never wanted you to see me at my most vulnerable. I’ve shown you parts of me that even I didn’t want to see. My truth. My sexual depth. My traumas. And triggers. I’ve shown you who I am when I’m at my weakest. And when I’ve been at my highest. I’ve taken everything you’ve given me. And treated it like a rare feather. With care. And tenderness. Because I know what it’s like for someone to not know who you are. And even my purest intentions can be misconstrued. Damn. That hurt. I can’t lie. But you know what? Maybe you’re right. I don’t have empathy. Because where’s my empathy when someon...