Wine Talk with Amber

— When was the last time I’ve cleaned out my closet? Not the one where my graphic tees and sweats lie. The one where my broken friendships haven’t been removed. And my unhealed family traumas haven’t been folded. I’m trying to make space for new connections, And I haven’t even decluttered the dresser to my ex’s mistreatment. Even a bit scared to open the bins to self awareness. Because then, I’ll actually have to face my misconduct. So I keep the door shut, And hope you’ll accept my mess.

Hey you, With your fine ass. You know I always compliment your skin, And how perfect you are, In the physical. But let me take this moment to show you some appreciation. When we first started out, I didn’t want more than an emotionally unavailable connection with you. But even you wouldn’t let it be just that. In a time where I was hurting, you gave me space. You even told me you recognize that I am going through my healing phase. Now, you could be just that damn toxic, but you’ve always handled me with care. Even when you confuse me with your actions. You see, it’s the little things you do for me that keep me invested. Like having a positive response to every defeat I have inside my own head. Showing me a new way to live and to be healthy. Pushing me to excerise and take care of my body. I was so mad at you for pushing me to my limit this one particular day, But I couldn’t even address it because I knew it was all for my improvement. Even when you don’t say anything, You build me up. ...

 I am truly in love with you.   I love you enough to know that I’m not ready for you, I’ve caused you so much damage and for that I’m truly sorry. I’m in a weird spot with my feelings for you because on one hand, I KNOW you are the love of my life and I want nothing more than eternal bliss with you.  On the other hand, I’ve caused you so much pain and have done things that have damaged your perception of me that I know for a fact I’m not ready to change. There are just certain things and people in my life that I absolutely am not ready to let go of. And because of that, I can’t be with you.  But don’t for a second confuse that with me picking them over you. It’s merely a personal development hurdle that, if I’m being honest, is not something that I’ve been able to get over. You and I both know what I’m referring to.  I’ve tried time and time again to let it go. I’m not going to make excuses. You always said that I lacked accountability. When really, I am account...

  The sky’s the limit is what they say- right? But I never imagined to reach these heights like this. I had come prepared to encounter the length of our flight with a carry-on of compassion. My luggage of love was packed. The window seat view to the seas of despair and the mountains of heartbreak surely wouldn’t stop us. The elevation of us would surpass it all. I knew that the turbulence of our love would be rough but we would make it through. You know… that cruise control button we so desperately yearned for would be pressed eventually. And the love would be easy. We would be sitting in first class enjoying the views of the of the sensual sunset. Drinking crisp champagne mixed with tender touches of celebration. The plush seats of my comfort within you would soon recline. The rise of my desire for you would be inevitable. And me for you. I could feel the anticipation screaming inside of me to reach the highest sights. What a feeling. Sadly, this is exactly that. A feeling. My lug...

I’ll admit, I was a tough lover. Very stubborn. Possessive. But more than anything, unwilling to grow. I was stuck in the soil of my own stagnancy. My seed was ready to be planted, But I wouldn’t provide you with the hydration, I didn’t administer the sunlight. Yet, I expected to be grown into a fully blossomed flower. Well guess what? I ran to the highest body of water flow that I could find. And captured the sweetest views of summer time sunshine... To bring to you. Only to find: it was too late, you had taken my seed. You had taken  our  seed away.  The seed, Waiting for the grand opportunity to flourish. Was ripped out of the ground, Due to your reluctance to love me in my entirety.  With all my blemishes. And all my bruises. And then I realize: The seed that was snatched from me will be used to plant someone else’s garden.