Wine Talk with Amber

There she is. Sitting outside on this calm and rainy night, reflecting on herself. Reflecting on all the things she could have done. All the things she could have seen. All the places she could have been. Sometimes she doesn’t realize her worth until it’s too late. Sometimes those dreams and aspirations are just that. Dreams. She knows she can be amazing but she doesn’t believe in herself enough to pursue. She gets frustrated because no one believes in her but how could she be upset when she doesn’t even believe in herself? Have you ever been in a room full of people, but felt so alone? Like no one was really there. That’s how she feels most of the time. She questions herself on this almost every day. Why am I not enough? Why am I not amazing enough to SHINE? Why must I fall here in the background when I know this is not where I am meant to be? As much as she would like these questions answered, she cannot. And it frustrates her. Enough to make her fearful of change, yet ...

I am angry. You know why? Because you can’t see what’s past my skin. You look at my smooth brown skin and my full lips, just to take advantage. I know I am beautiful. I know I am sexy. I know I have nice lips and a pretty smile. The things I can do with my hips would make anyone go crazy. You became one of the others. You don’t respect me. You Lust. Lust. It’s a four letter word yet so powerful. Why do all of you think of me as the physical? I am so much more than that. Sex. Sex. Sex. That’s really all you want from me? Do you care about my dreams? Don’t lie to me to make me think you are interested. Be real with me. How would you feel if I played you the same way you played me? What if I had a boyfriend that I was unhappy with and I toyed with your emotions. Just because you are convenient. How would you feel? Shitty right? Well imagine if this cycle repeatedly happened to you. With different women. Doing the same thing. Over ...

My red nails sliding down your arms so gently and soft, Your chocolate skin so smooth, Your face rubs against my bare cheek. I want to kiss your lips. They are so soft and wet. Your strong arms turn me on, I like those tattoos you have too. Others see them as a sign of weakness, but they make me. . . But back to your lips. They make me feel special. When you have them in my “special” places. I don’t want you to stop. Let’s light a match, to burn our love tonight. I like the vanilla scented candles. What scent is your favorite? Don’t you love it when I wear that fruity perfume? It only cost me a couple of dollars but, It casts the spell to get you where I want you. But hold on, Where’s the tunes? You know the sweet sounds of Dru Hill makes this greater. Something about the melody makes it easier for me to . . . I want your face down there, And your hands up here. Touching the girls. It’s something about when you tou...

I think we should stop fighting it. I mean they do say life is so short, so what’s holding us back? I feel like when we are together, you are my protection. I always feel so safe with you. Like… you won’t let anything bad happen to me. You are so kind a gentle. Maybe not on the outside because you want to put up your guard. And I do the same thing. I use that shield so I won’t get hurt again but my oh my are you so gentle. When we are alone and you can be your complete self around me, it’s the best feeling in the world. Granted, I wish you would be that person around me more often, but I get it. I don’t want to let my guard down just yet either. But I will. For you. You make me giggle, you know those laughs, when your drink comes out of your nose. Or those laughs where your cheeks and stomach start to hurt entirely too much. That’s what we do, sometimes. But sometimes, you can also be really mean. You know how to turn my smile into a frown really quickly. By giving me realit...

Am I enough? The deepest part of me feels like I’ll never be enough. Anywhere. I can comb my hair one thousand times. Not enough. I can stoke my makeup brush against my scarred face for an hour. Still not enough. I can drive across to town to see you on a rainy night, just to make you do that little chuckle you do when something I say isn’t funny but your'e too protective to tell me that it’s not. But is it enough? NO. I can TAKE YOU UNDER MY WING, BOOST YOUR SELF ESTEEM, and give you a reason to feel loved and appreciated. Still not enough. Why do I have to sacrifice so much of myself to make you happy when I don’t see that reciprocated in your behavior? WICKED. What is it about me that keeps me so secluded? I mean, love comes in all forms but I’ll never be good enough to grow in your garden. I’ll never be good enough to sit and your table and eat the finest meals the restaurant has to offer. I’ll never be good enough to get a birthday card with “I love you wif...

Adding Rain to a Waterfall Why am I doing this with you? My presence is pointless. For the mere fact that I am not her. I can talk the talk, walk the walk, but I still can’t be her. My lips are not hers, my hips are not hers. I don’t have her smile, nor do I have her sweet giggle. But you have me here. And why? Why do you feel like I need to be here? When you look at me, do you see a reflection of everything you want? No. So don’t keep me here. Don’t make me feel like I’m important when you really have everything you already needed. But gosh, I do wish I was needed. I wish my absence would turn the waters of your life and create a tsunami. I wish my presence would mean something. But right now, it means nothing. You already have something similar to me, but better. Something that is appeasing to your never ending constant cycle of dysfunction. Why add rain to a waterfall? I just want to know. I mean, yes. I am useful to a soul lying in the desert. Some soul out there searches fo...

Sometimes I have to just stop thinking about what I want to write and actually just start writing! Sometimes my emotions are all over the place and I don’t know who to turn to and who can make it better. But I know that it’s okay. Because I have this keyboard, and I have these thoughts. Even if you don’t understand, you’ll at least know how I feel. And right now this is how I feel. I am walking on this path with no guidance and no protection. Why am I doing this alone? Why is no one on this journey with me? How come I can’t come home to someone and tell them about my bad day and get a foot rub because I’ve worked so hard and I deserved it? Now I admit, I turn so many guys down a day and then some I only talk to because I don’t want to feel alone. I know it sounds bad but it’s the honest truth. And that’s what this blog is about, my truth. I want someone special. Someone to appreciate all the things AMBER comes with. It’s not always just good looks and a giggly attitude. It’s much more...